Sunday, February 6, 2011

Going Exploring

I feel like this year, more than in recent years, I am having enormous personal discoveries.  At first it was scary, because it provided so much opportunity for change.  Suddenly I have been presented with options--a fork in the road, if you will.  I have come to the conclusion that I don't really like those.

I don't think Alice in Wonderland did either.  We have all heard the Cheshire Cat story.  You know, the one that says "if-you-don't-know-where-you're-going-then-it-doesn't-matter-which-direction-you-choose"?  Yeah, that one.  

I mean, LOOK at this guy!  CREEPY!  I think that being in a situation like Alice gives us a certain uneasiness, and worry that we might choose the "wrong way."  Kind of like the uneasiness that we get from looking at this demented cat.

But the question that I think comes to our minds is "HOW do we figure out where we want to end up?"  It seems that there is a step that the Cheshire Cat didn't account for.

Sometimes I wish that I could have my entire life figured out, and that I could see some kind of sign or premonition of what I’m supposed to do with my life.  But that wouldn’t help me grow at all.  In fact, it would take away a lot of fun in exploring.  (Wholesome exploration, of course.)  I am experiencing a lot of changing mind, a lot of doubt, a lot of assurance that is followed by an experience that causes me to doubt again, and occasional precious moments of inspiration that let me know everything is going to be OK.  It is those times that I know that there is not THE “right” thing that I could do, there are SOME “right” things that I could do.  Plural.  I’m not looking for my husband here…I’ve already done that.  And I picked a great one.  I don’t have to choose just one thing, but I feel as though I should pursue fields that the Lord has given me talents in. 

With flute, I now see that for a very long time, I had a very thwarted mindset about a music career and how it was supposed to make me feel.  I thought that if it was “meant to be,” I was supposed to love it all the time, and that I would never imagine myself doing anything else.  I didn’t want to be that girl feeling like I’m looking through a glass window to a world of opportunity, without being able to experience life.  And I still don’t.  But I can see that if I have a LIFE outside of flute, if I pursue other things to the best of my ability, I can still enjoy pursuing the flute as well.  My LIFE is not flute.  My life is my God, my family, my husband, my friends, running, ballroom dancing, learning about computer science and nutrition, reading books, cooking, and the list is ever-growing!   I still don’t know if I will have a music career outside of giving private lessons, and I’m OK with that.  Timing has been one of the biggest stressors for me, along with the lack of said “freedom” to try out anything new.  Well, I’m trying out new things, and I see that I can do it.  Because I am taking a little time away from said “mindset” in that I cannot have a “life” outside of flute, I am more able to pay close attention to the Spirit to help me with my decisions.  And I'm able to enjoy performing again!  That is the only “sign” I need.

I still don't think I have it all figured out.  But what I'm realizing is that you have to more forward with a desire to learn and grow.  You have to choose something to do with your time, otherwise it will disappear.  Instead of being the girl who stands at the fork in the road and just sits there for years trying to figure it out, I'm going exploring!


  1. This is such a wonderful post! LOVE! I agree with it! I'm learning the same thing. I can't wait until I graduate where I will have all the time in the world to explore! And it's amazing to realize that our possibilities are endless.

    I look at my mom, with her youngest in 6th grade, she has done so many things the past couple of years that she never would have dreamed!

    And we get to do the same thing!

  2. Amber! I compleeeeetely understand this post. It's kind of been fun for me to have nerve entrapment/carpal tunnel because I'm realizing all of the little things that I enjoy/want to do that aren't flute-related. Not that it's a bad thing, but I think over-focusing on one thing and not enjoying "exploring" and experiencing other parts of life really isn't what life is about. Well said!