Sometimes I think my computer has a brain. Well, I know it has a hard drive, and RAM, and all that jazz.
But seriously, in physical science we talk about how light particles will behave like light particles (if originally a particle) if you observe them, and if you are not observing them, they will behave like waves. When I try to tell students, "Look, I don't know any more than that. If you want to learn more about why the heck it does this, take a higher level physics class and then you can come tell me ALL about it." I never understood why they always got so mad...until now.
You know those days when your computer runs slow regardless of that extra pack of RAM you installed, and there is this really funny website you really want to show your friend, but it's taking a long time to load? You've just talked up the website or youtube clip or blogpost or whatever, and then you are left with this really awkward moment where the anticipation is high, yet there is no delivery from the computer. So you have to hum and haw and make some disclaimers about your computer...and you see one picture on the page loading every 25 seconds.
When you click "refresh," you give the computer another shot. Well, EVERY time I click "refresh," the computer teases me by immediately LOADING the page right AFTER I hit "refresh" and then proceeds to start all over again, just as slow. Come on, computer. Did you really have to flip me off like that? Show me what I wanted to see for about 2 1/2 seconds and then start over? I always wonder if I would have just waited a half a second more to click "refresh," would it have loaded it like I wanted it to? Part of me thinks no. I am now convinced that my computer is conspiring against me. It sticks it's tongue out at me, sings "nah-nah-nah-boo-boo," and then goes even slower than before. It's as if it KNOWS when I'm going to hit refresh, so it will hold out until I give up and then show me what I'm missing out on.
Does anyone else go through this?! Or do I just have a mischievous computer?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
What I've Learned in the Past 4 Years
I don't anticipate to jot down every single thing that I've learned since I've been at college. That would take way too much time, and some of the things are too personal to post for everyone to see. However, there is one thing I have come to discover about myself that did not solidify until the past 3 months. I would not have come to realize it if it weren't for the previous 3 1/2 years, so this discovery is all inclusive of the past 4 years.
I feel that most college students (that want to be the best in their field) approach college life as a jumping block. There is no time to cook healthy meals, exercise, sleep enough, or do things that make us happy. We must work, work, work, and not stop until Christmas break. I was one of those people...for a long time. What I've come to realize is that this particular lifestyle, in college or not, is not as productive as one might think.
There is a spectrum of efficiency that I came up with. Pardon my paint example.
I don't know if you can see it all that well, but on one side there is laziness, the other side there is insanity, and in the middle is just right, like Baby Bear's Porridge.
When you get too close to the right side of the spectrum for too long, bad things happen. Your body gives out on you, you get sick, and you have to miss class because you have the swine flu. You start to hate life, and re-think your major when you might not need to. (Now, sometimes people really do need to change their majors for other reasons. I'm talking about something different.) You start to re-think priorities and you just want to throw in the towel. You spread yourself so thin that you begin to not like how you look or feel, and you start to see the negative in everything. You don't believe in yourself because of how you feel, and because of this, your performance isn't quite up to par. You just want the next few weeks to be over. Then you just want the next few months to be over. Then pretty soon that turns into you wanting the next few years to be over. Look at yourself! You want your life to be over! Who wants to live like that?
The only way that I have found to get to that middle ground is to first, remember what's most important.
Next, don't forget to make friends a priority. Social health is a good thing.
Always remember to sleep enough!!! You will be able to accomplish so much more at a time if you do!
Eat healthy and exercise! Your body is what is enabling you to do the things you do. Don't abuse it!
You might say, "Well there just aren't enough hours in the day to do all of those things." Maybe not, but there can be. The key is to not bite off more than you can chew. You CAN do anything and everything. Just not all at once. Spread out your schedule. It's OK if that one project, that competition, that goal, graduation, or anything else doesn't happen this instant. By the time you are in college, you should know what you are and are not capable of handling all at once. Let me encourage you, all you ambitious students and workers out there, that when you sign up for your hours at school or work, keep in mind that you won't be able to be 100% happy unless you remember your body and your relationships. There might be periods of time (a semester, a week or two, the few weeks before your wedding) that gets crazy busy, and there is no way to get out of it. I agree that this is inevitable sometimes. But your whole life doesn't have to be like that.
If you remember these things, you will have the endurance and stamina to keep going. I thought I hated school. I thought I hated the flute. Now I've come to realize that I don't hate these things. I was just biting off more than I could chew. I'm able to accomplish just as many things, and I'm happy while I'm doing it! Bring it on, graduate school!
I feel that most college students (that want to be the best in their field) approach college life as a jumping block. There is no time to cook healthy meals, exercise, sleep enough, or do things that make us happy. We must work, work, work, and not stop until Christmas break. I was one of those people...for a long time. What I've come to realize is that this particular lifestyle, in college or not, is not as productive as one might think.
There is a spectrum of efficiency that I came up with. Pardon my paint example.
I don't know if you can see it all that well, but on one side there is laziness, the other side there is insanity, and in the middle is just right, like Baby Bear's Porridge.
When you get too close to the right side of the spectrum for too long, bad things happen. Your body gives out on you, you get sick, and you have to miss class because you have the swine flu. You start to hate life, and re-think your major when you might not need to. (Now, sometimes people really do need to change their majors for other reasons. I'm talking about something different.) You start to re-think priorities and you just want to throw in the towel. You spread yourself so thin that you begin to not like how you look or feel, and you start to see the negative in everything. You don't believe in yourself because of how you feel, and because of this, your performance isn't quite up to par. You just want the next few weeks to be over. Then you just want the next few months to be over. Then pretty soon that turns into you wanting the next few years to be over. Look at yourself! You want your life to be over! Who wants to live like that?
The only way that I have found to get to that middle ground is to first, remember what's most important.
Next, don't forget to make friends a priority. Social health is a good thing.
Always remember to sleep enough!!! You will be able to accomplish so much more at a time if you do!
Eat healthy and exercise! Your body is what is enabling you to do the things you do. Don't abuse it!
You might say, "Well there just aren't enough hours in the day to do all of those things." Maybe not, but there can be. The key is to not bite off more than you can chew. You CAN do anything and everything. Just not all at once. Spread out your schedule. It's OK if that one project, that competition, that goal, graduation, or anything else doesn't happen this instant. By the time you are in college, you should know what you are and are not capable of handling all at once. Let me encourage you, all you ambitious students and workers out there, that when you sign up for your hours at school or work, keep in mind that you won't be able to be 100% happy unless you remember your body and your relationships. There might be periods of time (a semester, a week or two, the few weeks before your wedding) that gets crazy busy, and there is no way to get out of it. I agree that this is inevitable sometimes. But your whole life doesn't have to be like that.
If you remember these things, you will have the endurance and stamina to keep going. I thought I hated school. I thought I hated the flute. Now I've come to realize that I don't hate these things. I was just biting off more than I could chew. I'm able to accomplish just as many things, and I'm happy while I'm doing it! Bring it on, graduate school!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Cabin Fever
Do you remember in Pride and Prejudice how Lydia was so excited/determined to go to Brighton? That's how I feel when I look out the window on days like this.
Its so sunny and beautiful outside...not the kind of day to be indoors grading physical science papers or practicing or writing a presentation for Chamber Music Literature.
Summer is my absolute favorite season. I hate the cold. I hate the snow. I hate dark, rainy days. So that leaves me only one scenario where I'm happy with the weather. I know that my attitude might be lacking a bit, and that I could be so much happier if I just changed my perspective. And I do try. But then I am teased with a gorgeous day of 64 degrees with not a cloud in the sky, only to hate the days that might be snowy/rainy later. It just doens't get better than this!
Most of my friends right now are on their spring breaks. OK can I call out some injustice here? Spring Break? I haven't had one of those since high school. I know, I know. I'm lucky to be in college and not have little babies crawling and barfing all over me, and I am so fortunate as to have found my best friend here at BYU who found it ideal to ask me to marry him. I know that this time will pass and I'm gonna miss it. I know what they say. And I know it's probably true. But right now all I can think of is being free and lying on a sandy warm beach with friends and family, drinking virgin pina coladas and listening to some Mexican music that I don't understand. I want to put on my coconut bra and hulu skirt. OK, I don't really have those, but you get the idea.
Its so sunny and beautiful outside...not the kind of day to be indoors grading physical science papers or practicing or writing a presentation for Chamber Music Literature.
Summer is my absolute favorite season. I hate the cold. I hate the snow. I hate dark, rainy days. So that leaves me only one scenario where I'm happy with the weather. I know that my attitude might be lacking a bit, and that I could be so much happier if I just changed my perspective. And I do try. But then I am teased with a gorgeous day of 64 degrees with not a cloud in the sky, only to hate the days that might be snowy/rainy later. It just doens't get better than this!
Most of my friends right now are on their spring breaks. OK can I call out some injustice here? Spring Break? I haven't had one of those since high school. I know, I know. I'm lucky to be in college and not have little babies crawling and barfing all over me, and I am so fortunate as to have found my best friend here at BYU who found it ideal to ask me to marry him. I know that this time will pass and I'm gonna miss it. I know what they say. And I know it's probably true. But right now all I can think of is being free and lying on a sandy warm beach with friends and family, drinking virgin pina coladas and listening to some Mexican music that I don't understand. I want to put on my coconut bra and hulu skirt. OK, I don't really have those, but you get the idea.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I just feel like bein' lazy
Sometimes I'm so pumped on a Sunday afternoon about my upcoming week that I take a piece of paper, draw out a week calendar, and write out every single hour of every day. Yep, the whole 24 hours. Then I write down exactly what I will do in each hour. This process takes about 35 minutes. Monday comes along, and I look at my caldendar, all happy with myself. I'm obedient to what I promised, and I don't miss a single thing on my list. I even write down which hours I'm going to sleep. I know, I'm psycho.
What happens next is that my eyes won't close at 8:30pm like I wrote down they would. I can't fall asleep until 10:30, and I waste 2 precious sleeping hours. Rats!
I wake up the next morning, look at my list, and say FORGET IT! I'm doing what I want, WHEN I want. I then go throughout the rest of the week in rebellion of my restricting and unforgiving schedule. I throw away the list and walk slowly from class to class, smiling at the sun and smelling the roses.
Come Friday, I'm pulling my hair out and wishing I would have been a little more obedient to my calendar. But Friday is play time. Friday is relax-after-school-day. Friday is rent-a-movie-and-cuddle-with-your-sweetie evening. Somehow I can't bring myself to be a slave to work on Friday, because soon I'll be on a three-week long tour without my husband on the other side of the world, and I'm sort of dreading being away from my personal bodyguard and my best friend. So on Fridays I soak up all the time that Matt can spare to be away from his law studies and I enjoy every moment of it.
Why does it feel like when I'm 100% productive 100% of the time, I feel like crap? When I'm 50% productive 100% of the time, I still feel like crap. But when I'm 100% productive 50-70% of the time, that's when life is wonderful. I'm trying to find that balance. I'll get there one day...maybe.
What happens next is that my eyes won't close at 8:30pm like I wrote down they would. I can't fall asleep until 10:30, and I waste 2 precious sleeping hours. Rats!
I wake up the next morning, look at my list, and say FORGET IT! I'm doing what I want, WHEN I want. I then go throughout the rest of the week in rebellion of my restricting and unforgiving schedule. I throw away the list and walk slowly from class to class, smiling at the sun and smelling the roses.
Come Friday, I'm pulling my hair out and wishing I would have been a little more obedient to my calendar. But Friday is play time. Friday is relax-after-school-day. Friday is rent-a-movie-and-cuddle-with-your-sweetie evening. Somehow I can't bring myself to be a slave to work on Friday, because soon I'll be on a three-week long tour without my husband on the other side of the world, and I'm sort of dreading being away from my personal bodyguard and my best friend. So on Fridays I soak up all the time that Matt can spare to be away from his law studies and I enjoy every moment of it.
Why does it feel like when I'm 100% productive 100% of the time, I feel like crap? When I'm 50% productive 100% of the time, I still feel like crap. But when I'm 100% productive 50-70% of the time, that's when life is wonderful. I'm trying to find that balance. I'll get there one day...maybe.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
My three lives...plus some
I have three lives. Well, actually four. And my personality is so different in each of them. I go throughout each day feeling so weird and almost insincere, just by seeing how I act so differently in all of my different venues.
1st Life: I am a flutist. I am a flutist who practices 3-4 hours each day, sometimes 5. I'm semi-confident with such subjective material. It's hard to feel completely secure with music, because on any given day, heck, any given HOUR, things can go so differently for you. I don't talk much, mostly because I have a metal rod blocking my face and I am concentrating very hard on little black dots that like to move in sporadic movements over a bleached white page. Headache! I feel like I know what I'm doing...sort of...and I have probably the most ambitious goals for this life. I could probably do more as far as effort and time goes, but then I wouldn't be able to balance all of these lives.
2nd Life: I am a student, slaving away in class rehearsals for random, terribly short-noticed projects and exams that weren't in the syllabus due to some retarded circumstances. For those of you in my 405 class, you know exactly what I'm talking about. This is where I am the least confident. With everything else that I must do with my time (including time that I cannot claim as my own, which, unfortunately, is about 90% of my awake hours) I simply don't have enough time/energy/ability to put all I've got into my school work. Unfortunately that has come back to bite me in my graduate school admission process. Don't people understand that I usually spend about 9 hours a day total playing my flute, and I have a part time job? I can't do the whole twice-as-much-time-out-of-class-as-in-class rule. I simply don't have the time. I could quit my job, but then I wouldn't be able to pay for a piano accompanist, flute competitions, flute maintenance, flute music, and not to mention some food every now and then. I came to college to become a great flutist. I did not come to college to be an average flute player who knows a lot about music theory. Apparently, you have to play that game. Goodbye sleep!
3rd Life: I am a TA. I work as a tutor for physical science. I grade tons of papers, give tons of reviews, and talk to tons of students about the same things over and over and over and over and over. I am confident, energetic, and super popular. All of the TAs are popular. Think about it. If what you have in your head is what is on that next big test, of course everyone wants to be your best friend. I'm a musician, and actually don't know a whole lot of deep scientific principles, but I fool the students into thinking I'm super smart. While I'm at work, I feel like I'm making a difference. I don't feel like I'm failing at life in life #3 like I feel like in life #2 and sometimes life #1. As soon as I leave the ESC each day, I walk into a much scarier world.
4th Life: This is the life that most people call their "life." Here lies my husband, church, family, friends, sleep, cooking, eating, and heaven forbid....I have a hobby wedged in here! I do ballroom dancing. Now, I can only squeeze out an hour a day to practice. If I had it my way, I would spend at least 3 hours a day on this, but unfortunately even just one hour is almost costing me. But I keep it in my fourth life, simply because without dancing, I would completely abandon life #1 like I almost did a few months ago. I need this to keep me sane. I need this to keep me happy. I need this to help me to feel beautiful and confident. Because without this life, I would not be happy enough to have the energy to trudge through lives #1 and #2. Without lives #1 and #2, I would not have life #3.
These lives are all connected, and all mandatory for either my degree, my future career, my sanity, my health, and my happiness.
Life is a balancing act. I know that I could be better at any given thing that I do, but there is simply not enough hours in a day. Goodness, I wonder what being a mom will be like! :)
1st Life: I am a flutist. I am a flutist who practices 3-4 hours each day, sometimes 5. I'm semi-confident with such subjective material. It's hard to feel completely secure with music, because on any given day, heck, any given HOUR, things can go so differently for you. I don't talk much, mostly because I have a metal rod blocking my face and I am concentrating very hard on little black dots that like to move in sporadic movements over a bleached white page. Headache! I feel like I know what I'm doing...sort of...and I have probably the most ambitious goals for this life. I could probably do more as far as effort and time goes, but then I wouldn't be able to balance all of these lives.
2nd Life: I am a student, slaving away in class rehearsals for random, terribly short-noticed projects and exams that weren't in the syllabus due to some retarded circumstances. For those of you in my 405 class, you know exactly what I'm talking about. This is where I am the least confident. With everything else that I must do with my time (including time that I cannot claim as my own, which, unfortunately, is about 90% of my awake hours) I simply don't have enough time/energy/ability to put all I've got into my school work. Unfortunately that has come back to bite me in my graduate school admission process. Don't people understand that I usually spend about 9 hours a day total playing my flute, and I have a part time job? I can't do the whole twice-as-much-time-out-of-class-as-in-class rule. I simply don't have the time. I could quit my job, but then I wouldn't be able to pay for a piano accompanist, flute competitions, flute maintenance, flute music, and not to mention some food every now and then. I came to college to become a great flutist. I did not come to college to be an average flute player who knows a lot about music theory. Apparently, you have to play that game. Goodbye sleep!
3rd Life: I am a TA. I work as a tutor for physical science. I grade tons of papers, give tons of reviews, and talk to tons of students about the same things over and over and over and over and over. I am confident, energetic, and super popular. All of the TAs are popular. Think about it. If what you have in your head is what is on that next big test, of course everyone wants to be your best friend. I'm a musician, and actually don't know a whole lot of deep scientific principles, but I fool the students into thinking I'm super smart. While I'm at work, I feel like I'm making a difference. I don't feel like I'm failing at life in life #3 like I feel like in life #2 and sometimes life #1. As soon as I leave the ESC each day, I walk into a much scarier world.
4th Life: This is the life that most people call their "life." Here lies my husband, church, family, friends, sleep, cooking, eating, and heaven forbid....I have a hobby wedged in here! I do ballroom dancing. Now, I can only squeeze out an hour a day to practice. If I had it my way, I would spend at least 3 hours a day on this, but unfortunately even just one hour is almost costing me. But I keep it in my fourth life, simply because without dancing, I would completely abandon life #1 like I almost did a few months ago. I need this to keep me sane. I need this to keep me happy. I need this to help me to feel beautiful and confident. Because without this life, I would not be happy enough to have the energy to trudge through lives #1 and #2. Without lives #1 and #2, I would not have life #3.
These lives are all connected, and all mandatory for either my degree, my future career, my sanity, my health, and my happiness.
Life is a balancing act. I know that I could be better at any given thing that I do, but there is simply not enough hours in a day. Goodness, I wonder what being a mom will be like! :)
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Going Exploring
I feel like this year, more than in recent years, I am having enormous personal discoveries. At first it was scary, because it provided so much opportunity for change. Suddenly I have been presented with options--a fork in the road, if you will. I have come to the conclusion that I don't really like those.
I don't think Alice in Wonderland did either. We have all heard the Cheshire Cat story. You know, the one that says "if-you-don't-know-where-you're-going-then-it-doesn't-matter-which-direction-you-choose"? Yeah, that one.
I mean, LOOK at this guy! CREEPY! I think that being in a situation like Alice gives us a certain uneasiness, and worry that we might choose the "wrong way." Kind of like the uneasiness that we get from looking at this demented cat.
But the question that I think comes to our minds is "HOW do we figure out where we want to end up?" It seems that there is a step that the Cheshire Cat didn't account for.
I don't think Alice in Wonderland did either. We have all heard the Cheshire Cat story. You know, the one that says "if-you-don't-know-where-you're-going-then-it-doesn't-matter-which-direction-you-choose"? Yeah, that one.
I mean, LOOK at this guy! CREEPY! I think that being in a situation like Alice gives us a certain uneasiness, and worry that we might choose the "wrong way." Kind of like the uneasiness that we get from looking at this demented cat.
But the question that I think comes to our minds is "HOW do we figure out where we want to end up?" It seems that there is a step that the Cheshire Cat didn't account for.
Sometimes I wish that I could have my entire life figured out, and that I could see some kind of sign or premonition of what I’m supposed to do with my life. But that wouldn’t help me grow at all. In fact, it would take away a lot of fun in exploring. (Wholesome exploration, of course.) I am experiencing a lot of changing mind, a lot of doubt, a lot of assurance that is followed by an experience that causes me to doubt again, and occasional precious moments of inspiration that let me know everything is going to be OK. It is those times that I know that there is not THE “right” thing that I could do, there are SOME “right” things that I could do. Plural. I’m not looking for my husband here…I’ve already done that. And I picked a great one. I don’t have to choose just one thing, but I feel as though I should pursue fields that the Lord has given me talents in.
With flute, I now see that for a very long time, I had a very thwarted mindset about a music career and how it was supposed to make me feel. I thought that if it was “meant to be,” I was supposed to love it all the time, and that I would never imagine myself doing anything else. I didn’t want to be that girl feeling like I’m looking through a glass window to a world of opportunity, without being able to experience life. And I still don’t. But I can see that if I have a LIFE outside of flute, if I pursue other things to the best of my ability, I can still enjoy pursuing the flute as well. My LIFE is not flute. My life is my God, my family, my husband, my friends, running, ballroom dancing, learning about computer science and nutrition, reading books, cooking, and the list is ever-growing! I still don’t know if I will have a music career outside of giving private lessons, and I’m OK with that. Timing has been one of the biggest stressors for me, along with the lack of said “freedom” to try out anything new. Well, I’m trying out new things, and I see that I can do it. Because I am taking a little time away from said “mindset” in that I cannot have a “life” outside of flute, I am more able to pay close attention to the Spirit to help me with my decisions. And I'm able to enjoy performing again! That is the only “sign” I need.
I still don't think I have it all figured out. But what I'm realizing is that you have to more forward with a desire to learn and grow. You have to choose something to do with your time, otherwise it will disappear. Instead of being the girl who stands at the fork in the road and just sits there for years trying to figure it out, I'm going exploring!
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